On this weeks Wednesday’s Wisdom I am getting very personal. This week marks an anniversary I really wish I did not have.  One year ago  this week, my daughter Liza and I had discovered that we had suddenly, completely without warning, lost one of our greatest treasures in the world, our beloved Suellen.  She was only 66,  a jazzercise enthusiast who went almost every day, she never smoked, hardly drank, ate well, did yoga, gave everything she had out into this world to make it a better place.  For everyone who knew and loved her the grief was unbearable. We were all in horrible shock. You see, Suellen was never an “ordinary” person.  She did EVERYTHING with a giving and joyful heart.  She was a young girl when she married and traveled all over the world with her then military husband, teaching school and making friends that lasted a lifetime.  She had two children, the true loves of her life.  Suellen’s family grew with the addition of her beautiful and amazing daughter in-law and a soon to be son-in-law who is so sweet, kind and talented.  And then her life became complete when her first grandchild, a baby girl joined her.  She had many many nicknames, Foxy and Swell were a few but her favorite came with that baby girl, SUSU!  There was her daughter’s engagement party planned in two weeks and the planning phase of that wedding was just getting started. And there would be another grand baby within the year.  How and why was this beautiful soul taken at this time?  I have agonized and asked over and over why and there is no answer except it was her time to go.

I won’t get into all the details of her life but I will say this, if anyone had a reason to be bitter or angry it was Suellen and yet she was the opposite.  She chose joy and happiness every single day.  She gave and gave and gave and gave some more.  I have lost my best friend, a true sister whom I loved dearly. After her retirement from teaching, I spent almost every day with her. My family had known and loved her for over 20 years, my family lost their Swell, our nickname for her since that is what she was, a swell human being! The world lost its biggest cheerleader.  Everyone of us was trying hard to go on the way Suellen would want us to.  It was impossible.

Her Celebration of Life was beautiful.  It was a packed house with all of her family, friends, students, jazzercise buddies, fellow teachers, parents of students and just about anyone who had ever met her attending.  The Spurs organization along with many many others sent flowers, there were pictures everywhere. A video of her talking about her teaching and what it meant to say a kind word resonated with us all. The tributes were beautiful, funny, heartfelt and lovely. It was a night of true celebration of our beautiful Suellen. Are you getting a true picture of her yet, the most amazing, kind, up for fun and beautiful spirit you could ever meet. A true blue girl if ever there was one.

And now I must learn to live without her. Suellen’s children have been amazing.  They have allowed me to grieve with them and to celebrate together too!  I cannot express how much this has meant. We all take the bitter with the sweet, that is life. There is so much joy and happiness to come for them.  It will not be the same but it will happen.  A new baby joined their tribe last week and I wept with happiness and sadness.  Oh Suellen, in her role as SUSU, would have been there with balloons, monogramed outfits and she would have driven them crazy with ALL the pictures she would have taken.  The upcoming weeks will start the showers for her daughter’s wedding and then the wedding itself.  I do believe we go forward, never the same, but with a new reality, a new normal.

So how do we do this?  How do we get to the other side of this grief. This became a year of turning inward, of having very deep thoughts and feelings.  To turn 60 without her by my side was strange. I am thinking of when my death comes.  Am I ready, absolutely not, but I know I do not get a say in this.  Thoughts of what is really important swirl through my heart and head. How do I let all my love for my tribe show so they know how deeply I love and care about them. It has been a year of deciding how to live this last chapter, and knowing that I will only choose happiness.  I want to ENJOY this life, not just go through it. It makes me laugh at myself that all those crazy and wonderful quotes are true.  SEIZE THE DAY!

There have been great gifts shown to me this year.  So much kindness, stronger friendships, more opening up with my friends, getting closer and allowing myself to be honest and true. That is the silver lining.  We all need these connections and I am following Suellen’s lead. I also encourage EVERYONE to get a calcium score screening if you are over 50.  A stent would have saved this beautiful soul who showed no sign of heart disease.

I thank you for being a part of my journey. I have a long road ahead.  I will never ever be the same.  But today, as I said last year, I will ask myself what would Suellen do.  I am trying.  I am taking those trips, smiling at those around me, being kinder, saying please and thank you and taking lots and lots of pictures.

There will never be another Suellen.  She was a piece of stardust and magic.  I love you forever my friend.  I hope you are enjoying sunshine on a white sand beach with a pink cocktail in one hand and a juicy novel in the other.  Until we meet again.

XOXO,

Kim

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