Well here we are! Another year has come and gone, the presents are unwrapped, the food has been devoured and the kids have gone home. The monumental task of taking down everything I put up is nagging at me, pushing me to get ‘er done! What goes up must come down! This is not my favorite time of year, how about you? I’ve got the after Christmas blues!

It feels like Monday, but it is in fact Wednesday. The grey January weather is here along with cold rain. I mean it is straight out of a movie January blues perfection out there. Sigh.

The greatest part of my holiday was having our three grown children come home. My heart is so happy when we can celebrate together. But when they leave, it hurts. They live in three different states with the closest one 3 hours away. THIS is not how it was suppose to be. It was supposed to be come over for Sunday dinners and stop by to see us whenever you can. I have to be honest here, my husbands career has moved us all over the country and his battle with anklosing spondylitis since the beginning of our marriage has impacted my heart more than I care to admit. I think more than anything because it impacted our children. I did great as long as we were a unit, the five of us, thick as thieves.

So here I am, in a VERY quiet house, getting ALL the Christmas stuff down and feeling blah. Time to pull myself together and figure out some stuff. I am at an age where I know what I have, I am grateful and blessed beyond measure. But all that doesn’t mean your heart doesn’t feel what it does.

Being a MOM was and is the greatest privilege. My identity is sooo wrapped up in it. The six moves all over the country made us reinvent ourselves many times over, to leave family and friends, church and schools and make new friends and try to make substitute “family” wherever we went. This sounds easy, like bloom where you are planted and all that, but trust me a toll on your heart does happen. Loss and big change on any level does. At this age, most of us have experienced painful loss. LOSS, wow that word says so much in four little letters. Loss hurts and changes us FOREVER. It doesn’t mean we won’t be happy again, it’s just a different kind of happy. A softer happy, like we are afraid to open ourselves up to big happiness because when it leaves it crushes our soul.

So what am I going to do to make my heart happier? For one thing, I am in therapy. Talking to an objective person has helped me a lot. Now comes the hard part for me. Being honest with people. I’m not just going to say “I’m fine” or “I’m good” as an automatic response anymore. I am learning to express my feeling in a much healthier way. I am making a choice to be happy. I am going to plan more trips to visit my kids, to enjoy simple walks outside, to make adventures happen with my husband, to open up more with friends and family and to connect on deeper levels. When you grow up Catholic and are taught to NOT do this, it is a definite change in programming! Catholic guilt is REAL! I realize that when I feel like this, I often avoid my feelings by isolating myself until I feel better. NOT GOOD and NO MORE!

I hope you will come along and share how you handle this phase of your life too. I feel this will be a year of big growth in so many ways. I know there are so many of us, with grown children far away, married or not, with grandchildren or not, who struggle. Please share with me and help me find new ways to accept what is and not constantly long for what no longer can be.

I thank you so much for reading and following along. Your kindness and support mean the world to me.

XOXO, Kim